How To Drive From a reprint of Road & Track 1. When you are driving on a freeway, you should stay as far to the right as possible. If you have inexplicably gravitated to the far left lane, look to the right. Are other cars streaming by? Do their drivers appear to be muttering things? Have they been flashing their headlights in your rear-view mirror? Maybe you should move over to the right. There you go. Now keep moving over until you find a lane where all your friends are (i.e., those who share your cherished belief in a nonlinear concept of Time, summed up in the sage observation that “Everyone’s in too much of a dog gone hurry these days”). Yes, I know you were going [65] in the fast lane, and that’s all the law allows. Thank you so much for reminding me. For a minute there I’d forgotten we elected you to save our immortal souls. Now get out of the way. 2. At a four-way intersection with four stop signs, it will eventually be your turn to go. When it is, please go. No, don’t wave for me to go first, or inch into the intersection and then decide not to go and wave for someone else to go. Just, please, go. The rest of us want to get home so we can catch up on the newspapers we missed and see the old neighborhood once more before we die. 3. When you suddenly apply your brakes in the middle of a street or highway just before making a turn, you should indicate with your turn signals which way you plan to turn. That way, the cars behind you – the ones with smoke pouring out of their wheel wells – will know which way to wrench the wheel so as not to ruin everyone’s car. (I’d love to hear Marlene Dietrich read that last sentence.) If some tragic malady of the wrist prevents you from operating the turn-signal stalk, at least try not to feint left before going right, and vice versa. Using your turn signals for a lane change is a nice idea, too. It’s important, however, to turn them off when you are done. A permanently flashing turn signal drives people mad and makes them think you are not paying attention. A lot they know, eh? 4. When you are at the head of a long line of cars waiting for a light to change, the thoughtful thing to do is to stay alert and watch the light, as opposed to filing your [CDs] in alphabetical order, tweezing away unwanted hair, or wondering why young male BMW drivers often look like Elliot Ness. Watch the light. People are depending on you. When it turns green, that’s your signal. Take your foot off the brake and step on the gas. If you have a car with standard transmission, you might want to actually anticipate the light and have your car in gear. Say that would be fun, wouldn’t it? Now you’re cooking. 5. Always remember that if you are too drunk to under tip, you are too drunk to drive.